Jake loves a blonde beard

Jake muthafuckin Gyllenhaaboring. I swear he did Donnie Darko and that's all this sad sack has done for me. I think everything he's put out after is a bloody tampon left in the halls of Harvard.

Yes, there is some dirty bitch leaving her used bids all over the building. She's just like Jakey wanting to share her efforts. I don't need it. I don't want it. I don't need Love and Other Drugs. I don't need Brokeback. I have a broke back from my non sleep number bed. I don't need Jarhead or Zodiac, snooze. It's just sleepy time. Where's the warm milk Mrs. Cleaver?

I think all the celebHo's like this couple. Are you guys crazy? I mean this bitch didn't get drizUNK on her 21st birthday.How fucking boring is that? Who cares about this boring ass relationship. It's as stale as the banana nut muffin these bitches pick up at Frothy Monkey. 

I was flipping through one of my trash mags. I think it was Us Weekly and it had a map of their jaunts of third grade romance. Can you imagine these two doing it? It just grosses me out. Yes, I'm being hateful. It just seems bland like your momma's turkey. The shit needs some gravy. **Gravy is not a condiment**

Shmanyways, we were talking about Jakey and Tay Tay. We'll see how long Taylor can handle not gettin it full on from Jake. Swan child needs to hook it back up with John Mayer. Less boring. It fits. A duck face and a man who likes to eat it. That made no sense but whatever.

Jake is 30. Taylor is 21. He's a sag. She's a sag with a vag. Let's see what happens or not. I will try not to ever talk about these two again. Jake has a thing for BLONDE beards. Taylor has a thing for being lame so this might be FOREVER.

Happy New Ho 2011

We are all out of our comas and have taken our hot asses back to work. Don't cry for me Angelina. I'm not kicking it with Zaharra but I drank an entire bottle of Barefoot Moscato Spumante to bring in the New Ho. I am ready for whatever this silly little hooker is ready to blow at me or my lovely nation.

Shit, what will happen to the U S of A this year. I'm ready to pull my protesting boots out of the closet and scream and plead about how Brandi lost to Bristol.

Yeah, I'm pissed about it. I never watched that shitty show either. I only saw clips of that whack shiz but I was captivated. I mean, forehead queen came out ready to dance. I give B props. I never thought she had it in her. Remember when she was all Moesha and shit and couldn't dance. I thought Brandi was sure to follow Whitney Houston's lead of a 'can't dance sista'. 

That's alright too. You know every sista can't dance just like every adult star doesn't take it up the butt...most of them do.

Yeah, so New Ho. She's here. I watched the ball drop from my digital converter basic local antenna tv type shit. My mom hasn't paid me my allowance in like twenty years. I can't get that new shit they have now'a days. You know cable. 

Well, Dick Clark still has his Rockin Eve bash. Oh, It's so not Rockin or a bash. Poor Dick needs some Viagra. He is limp so limp. The man can't speak. I swear I had to check with my man to see if he wasn't a puppet. He looked like old cat from the Muppet's. I'm sure he was asking the camera man 'where's Kermit'. Really, I'm sure he did. So many medications. Dick was so high!!!!! Ridin' the high. It's a wonder why  he was so limp being so high. Hmmm. I will wonder about this for all of 2011.

Anyway, Happy 2011 to all of you. I hope that it's worth it.

Merry Christmas

This kid is _ _(fill in the blank). Man, if I would've acted like this on Christmas...my mom would've picked up all of my gifts, put them in a closet, and sent my ungrateful ass to bed.

Crawdaddy Moment of the Day

I felt so shitty today. You know the feeling?  It's listening to that bitch Wanda tell you that story about her tired ass boyfriend; still acting like Corky from Life Goes On. You feel a sink in your stomach. You tweek a little and take your eyes off Wanda but that bitch doesn't notice. She's in the middle of her long drawn out tale of how Byron never does shit! You feel a rumble. Your stomach caves in. More rumbling. At any moment, you will need to make a quick dash to the bathroom... Well, that's how i felt all friggin frackin day LONG. My hair was tore as well.

So, an MTA bus driver (old crusty looking, just off work, still sportin his uniform,  and buying a 40) hands this Iranian, carmel, dreamsicle cashier (so cute) his $2.47 IN CHANGE! Crusty turns and looks dead at my boobs. He looks so far into my chest that he can find the scar from me burning my tits from a pop tart 5 years ago. He finally finds my face and is like 'hey, miss miss, wanna have a drink wit me'. Of course, i had my boyfriends Four Loco and my Boones Farm in my hand. I just shook my head and diverted my gaze like I'm Rosie O'Donnel.

Just foul. 

Barf! 

maybe I could take it as a compliment. Maybe I could come off classy. I could smile, nod, and politely shake my head no. Maybe I could run up to him and thrust my boobs into his face and take a deep breath and say aaaaaabsolutely. 

Um, no not going to happen. Completely offended here. If I weren't going to sooth my shitty day with that there Boones, I would shove it up his walnut shaped ass.

I swear. There are crawdaddies for any occasion. Crawdaddies everywhere. Hangin out at corner stores, Mcdonald's, Claires, salon's, subways, airports, parks, senior centers, sports bars, librarys, yo mama's house, church, school, movie theaters, bathrooms, rest stops, book clubs, gyms, target, band practice, FCA, work, hospitals, and even up your nose. Blah blah.

this concludes my C moment of the Day.

Sooooooookie is so lucky

This edition of TV Crawdaddy...Eric Northman.

I'm a fan of Eric but my heart still belongs to William Compton. I'm an ever faithful puppy but hey I could be down with Mr. Northman. He's a thousand but he likes em young and old.

Tune to HBO June 13th. I know I will.

Manther

NO!!!!!
I started a terrible trend that my man has gotten up on. This trend is watching either the View or Wendy Williams while getting ready for work in the mornings. I know I'm a shameful bitch for watching these hookers. What can I say to make it right?

Shmanyways, Mr. Hotness told me that on one of the shows (can't 'mber which one) they are stating the name for a  male version of a cougar is...a manther. Um, what? DOUBLE TAKE. My head is spinning. These bitches got it WRONG!

I need you, dear readers to let eeeeerrrrrbody know CRAWDADDIES is the word. There is no half steppin on this. We will let all these bonehead mofo's know that it's all about a crawdaddy. C-R-A-W-D-A-D-D-Y!
Let's shout it from the rooftops of our shitty houses, lofts, apartments, condos and so on. Word!

Why in the name of all thats holy

Just in case you want your friends to know everytime you head to the adult bookstore or Krystals then sign up for Blippy.

Wtf, people? Why do we have to share everything? PRIVACY is this the new lost art. Well, i'm bringing it back. PRIVACY. Just because you call doesn't mean I'm available to talk. Just because we're friends we don't have to know where we both shop. Just because you text me it doesn't mean I can text you right back. THE SAME GOES FOR ME. So, let's chill out and stop all this social networking but if you want to http://blippy.com/
might be for you.

Bianca says 'You Boob'

My future faux sis in law/ my lady friend is now introduced to Bianca. Bianca now thats a bad bad bitch.

Beverly Hills Teens replaced Jem and the Holograms at 6:30 am Mon- Fri on channel 17 when I was in school. At first, I was pissed. Then, my emotions changed like Naomi Campbell. I was hooked. I wanted that canker sore Lark to be destroyed!



A little Jem and the Ho's for ya. Okay, this was my absolute jam. I have Glitter and Gold on tape but I wish I had Who Is He Kissing. Man oh man that was my shit.