I Got 99 problems and my small dick is one

Jay Z is the most paid, acclaimed, richest, and fugliest rapper alive. I mean he brings the jams, fa realz! But DAMN, he sure is fugly. Somehow he is pulling the coolest, the most badass chick in the game, Beyonce. Jay Z is 38 and Beyonce is 27. Hmmmm how did this pair come to be? It came to be because Beyonce is still a little hood. Yeah Yeah, you white folks all love Beyonce, but bitch has still got a little Yaki up in her. Do you even know what Yaki is? Shmanyway, Beyonce worked and twirked all that booty onto Jay so much that man was begging to put that $5million Lorraine Schwartz ring on that finga.

Who'd a thunk it? I mean Jay was notorious for all the girlsssssssssss girlsssss girls that he was fucking. I mean let's go through some of the list: Blu Cantrell, Rosario Dawson, Charlie Baltimore, Trina, Carmen Bryan, Shenelle Scott, Amil, Karrine Steffans (yeah you know her ass Supa Head), and some other nameless hoes. You know the girls runnin up after the show with booty pants on, boobs all out, and Rapstar wishes and cookie dreams. These hoes need to just go and bake some Toll House...like me.

But back to the doodoo, Jay needs to have that bank, that street cred, and those skillz because we all know that B wouldn't have given that nigwah no love, no dubs, no hugs, no virgo beef curtains because she HAS to be stuck the FUCK up. Come on now. You guys know. I mean seriously imagine Beyonce Knowles in high school. I can imagine stabbing her in the hand with a pencil right now. Damn, I bet she caused some super ghetto fab bitch to knock her out by the lockers before third period. Mmmm hmmmmm. Amen

I guess to get to the moral of this Beauty and Beast Crawdaddy Saga is GET SOME MONEY, HONEY!!!!

Oh Tommy How big is your Johnny

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Tom Cruise oh boy oh boy. We haven't wanted to tackle this guy for fear that our site would be destroyed in seconds. This crazy mofo gives us the Jeepers Creepers. What this man has done for the word crazy is what Angelina Jolie has done for the term dick sucking lips...it's what alcohol has done for getting panties to drop. Meaning dude is CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY.

Tommy was once the underling. He was the desire of Cougar Mimi Rogers. Poor Mimi, Tommy wouldn't have sexual relations with her. He supposedly wouldn't do her because he wanted to become a monk. HAHAHAHhahahahahhhhhahahah we said hahahaHHAHAHAHAahahahahahaha. What a total douche. Really. Mimi is quoted for saying that 'He thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument, but my instrument needed to be turned so we had to split'. So, hooker left him. We like this tart! Word up Mimi. Then he gets lucky and gets the Aussie. She is one of the Original forehead Queens, Nicole Kidman. WOOWeee I mean her forehead is so big you could watch a movie on that shit. Fuck, serve a dinner on that forehead. Can someone pass the potatoes?

Shmanyway, he spent a long time with this one. They adopted babies. They starred in movies together. I mean do you guys remember Far and Away? God stab my beaver why don't you. Thank god for Kubrick otherwise they'd have a triple dipple of duds. They attended award ceremonies, parties, and scientology meetings. Bet she hated that. Can't get those years back. Eyes Wide Shut indeed.

Oh, then there was the Cruz Cruise. I really hated this couple. Jeez, when I think of those times I feel like my ass is being ate out by Zombies. It's just a horrible feeling.

Then he met Katie Holmes. GROSS! Katie is 17 years younger than Tommy I'm sure he is thrilled with this. He can control control control. She be his little puppet. I mean bitch is already wearing mom jeans.

One of my friends Brandi is holding out hopes that Katie will get back to her senses. I doubt it, YO! HolmeGirl would need Dawson for that. Bitch want get to her senses until that clicker gets taken out of her Cerebral  Cortex but I digress. They spawned Suri Cruise who must be the girl version of Damien. She is cute but looks like she could will you to drop from a balcony. She could force you to buy her a stuffed toy while eating your bbbrrrraaaaainS.

Where will Tommy go next? What Will Tommy Do? WWTD? Fuck we don't know...take down our website, sue a hoe, jump on some couches, only drink pee? WWTD?

We Know and we dont apologize

Well, actually we somewhat apologize. Things have been very chaotic like fucking Brit Brit Spears. We had a wedding. Well, my mistress had a wedding to one of my buddies. It was beautiful!!!!!! Also, we have been so busy fucking these days. This lady is in love and well it's radical. We've also been moving into new apartments, changing cars, getting in wrecks, partying, watching so much Buffy, True Blood, V, and scary movies that our heads are spinning like Linda Blair.

You don't have to forgive us but just start checking back. We will begin the path to righteousness again. Yours Truly-RizLez

Ps. I guess I need to admit that I am a 'junior cougar'. Who knew? Angela. But do I like the term? No. But do I love the benefits? Oh HELLS YEZ!

he's just like every man

Every dude in the world has screwed a girl at work! It's great that this is how David decided to let everyone know about his trists. Seems that an ex employee tried to extort money from Ole Letterman and tell the world about his affairs. HA! That dude got screwed. Looks like that script will not be a Focus Picture. It's in the trash and done. Mr. Letterman had the balls to let all the over 40's who watch his show know that he likes to get his dick wet. He decided that he will beat everyone to the punch and make fun of his own ass.  The only person who hasn't joined in the fun is Letterman's wife Regina and  Conan (the comic with a heart). Conan isn't joining in because he is getting his ding dong tickled too.

Ah nah, we know he isn't. We can wish. Because we wish that we were the hookers doing it. Shmanyways, David was screwing several ladies but the one who got him in trouble is Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie 34 at the time and David 62 were enjoying fucking, hikes, dinner, and finger banging of course. they were both in relationships...double duty. Well hell, David could have quadripple duty. Ole nasty ass. We can only imagine the way he liked to do it and with how many women. Would you bump a comedian? We here at crawdaddies love men who can make us laugh but an all out Comedian...hmm...sex maybe well BAD.

Well, Stephanie was down and even tricked her then boyfriend  (Joe Halderman)to believe that her relationship with David was platonic, strictly non fuckable. She even told Joe that she was ready to have babies. SIKE!! She dumped his ass and then confirmed that she did fuck David. Now, thats some Lifetime TV shit. Joe couldn't take it. The CBS Ex Producer decided to write a script and try to, like Notorious Big , 'get money'.  This brings us to the happenings of today. What will happen next in this story? More pussy more drama. Probably David's wife Regina Lasko turning to Melissa Etheridge for some love. Come on now guys, look at her. We're not trying to be assholes. We just think she might be into some scissory.

Spitzer put IT in the Kisser

Damn, this gemini is going to ruin it for all us good geminis. Seriously, there are good Gems. Eliot Spitzer born June 10, 1959. FUCK! He was born one day earlier than me. Bastard! Anyway, this man wasn't getting his dicked licked right by his wife. Poor lady. Silda Wall (his wife) probably didn't think she needed to blow him anymore. She thought she was done. Nope! Bitch you gotta suck the dick. Always have a hold of it. Never let it go. As soon as you stop sucking it...some other hooker with less class than you will take hold of it and get to it. They will grad it and wash it in their mouth like its laundry, then ring it out to dry. MMM MMM smells Downy Fresh. 
Hahahaha. No, I feel sorry for the next candidate for the Good Wife. Heehehehe. Forgive the tangent. Shmanyways, he was in need so he through out some green and got his peen licked. PERIOD!!!!!


Eliot Spitzer the Governor of New York, until bitch had to resign because he got caught with his dirty laundry, fell prey to the pussy. Will you dudes ever learn? I mean how many times does this have to happen? I bet he is still doing something dirty. Spitzer got caught spending two hours with Ashley Rae Maika DiPietroz (wannabee singer all around prostitute whore). This girl must have good game. It's $1,000.00 an hour to hang with this open to all beef curtain. Spitzer belonged to some prostitution service named Emperor Club VIP. He did it with over 8 different women. That's alot of MONEY! His bank reported his dealings because they noticed large quantities of money being transferred. STUPID. VERY STUPID.


Poor Ashley, (known to the recording industry as Ashley Dupre') what is she going to do for money? This 24 year old whore is going to do some dating  reality show.  Of course! That's it ladies. Now, we know how to make our money. 
1. Get a bogus last name.
2. Join an escort service. BE A WHORE.
3. Scandal ie. rapper, politician, sports figure
4. Get caught
5. Reality TV SHOW= MONEY MONEY MONEY

So, scratch that not poor ashley not poor anyone. All of the players in this story are cliche and boring. We are truly sorry we even PAID (hehehe) it this much attention.











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Maybe we made it happen, captain

Aww damn, Roman. They are trying to get yo ass. Extradite on dat ass. What is this mofo going to do? Man he needs some quaaludes to deal. Oh well, we wonder if the award this brother was about to receive was worth this. Someone is going to have their ding dong schling schlong sucked on up if they enter those prison walls...Soooo different from the walls of a vag.

Crawdaddies fall prey to Panettiere

Okay, this is more about Hayden Panettiere. She is the queen of dating Crawdaddies. I mean this bitch is 20 and is only fucking Crawdaddies. She thinks she is hot hot stuff. No, Donna Summer you are not! When we look at her, we think she must smell like Elizabeth Arden Red Door and fragranced Playtex Tampons.

Poor poor Milo. He fell prey. I think she is where Crawdaddies go to die. This bitch is a Crawdad catcher. She goes down to the watering hole. Sucks up all the Crawdads with her beef curtains. She heads back home and then plays with one Crawdaddy for awhile, while keeping the others locked up in her Pussy lab until she's ready to fuck them then bite their heads off. She's our modern day Black Widow. Fuck that, WHITE Widow! Shmanyways, Milo Ventimiglia, 31, who plays Peter Pertelli on Heroes was dumped by the WHITE Widow. ALERT ALERT she is now trying to get the dude kicked off the show. Why? Because she is a douche. Litte Ms. White Bitch Widow needed to go out every night and show her snatch to somebody. However, Milo is not down with the scene. So, what happens. WHITE Widow gets pissed and then goes into her Pussy lad for some other Crawdad.

The Crawdad she picked... fucking Harry Morton. Lindsay Blowhan's old dick. Seriously? Wow. Who are these bitches? Harry Morton, 28, heir to Hard Rock Chain, spilled out of the Pussy lab to become sponsor to food, coke, and fun. Boooooring. Then she dumped his ass for we roll our eyes Stephen Colleti. Who is he? Some kid who was on that Reality Show Laguna Beach. We know. We know. You hate us. That's all we're going to say about his ass. Who cares? You do. Sorry, we just mentioned his ass because her Pussy Lab is so full who knows whats going to fall out next. We are interested. We figured you might be as well.

We feel sorry for all the Crawdaddies that cross this bitches path. She is a true Crawdaddy Catcher. Here's to you, Hayden! Can't wait to see your next unsuspecting Crawdaddy.

Yeah we IS da WORST

We know. We know. We haven't updated this shit in awhile. It's been crazy and there are so many Crawdaddies to discuss. Here's the deal Pussays and Diiiiiiiiicks,

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