Larry likes young fannies

Larry King, 78,  has a very distinguished reputation. Known in the biz as one of the best interviewers around. Larry interviewed tranny Tyra Banks. BOOOOOOORING! Larry has interviewed over 40,000 people since his career started in 1950. Larry likes to get to the root of an interview.

Back in the day, he would 'smoke em if he had em' a until that prick had to get a bypass surgery in the 80's. just so you know, having a bypass surgery and surviving it are the Academy Awards for a Crawdaddy. I mean a near death experience is  a modern day miracle. Larry knows about modern day miracles. The man has been around since the 30's. I'm so sure he has some severe scrotum drop.

Larry's wife Shawn Southwick-King is 48. She is Larry's seventh wife. WHAAAAT? this motherfucker has been married seven times. She is some singer, model, and other claims to fame that none of us mofo's know about. Supposedly, she was going to sing at Michael Jackson's tribute with Jermaine Jackson. Thank gawd that shit didn't go down.

Larry and Shawn have two kiddies and seem to be making it work. Maybe it's because allegedly this hooker is popping pills and drinking Peach Schnapps all day. we here at Crawdaddies support love in all its forms. Congrats to Larry.  XOXO











Last but not least Oprah. Tyra Banks only wishes.

Geezers using tweezers

Ahh, shucks!!! Is this true? Could this be? Well, yes dear reader it is. I spoke with a gentlemen at the bar yesterday. I needed to release some of that thankfulness. I figured the best way I could, would be to not  be thankful while downing a six pack. HahahahahahHAHAHa you damn ALCHI. Anyway, I choked up a friendly conversation with this old ass man about dating. He is recently divorced from his third wife. He is on the market.  I asked him about his love life. He was siked to give me all sorts of tawdry details.

Here's the thing, what sent me all to the mortuary was that he told me some steps to his mac appeal. One of those steps ladies and peens was to pluck his gray pubes. So, bizarro right? I know. It seriously made me a zombie. The gent was really kind in relaying this information to me. I guess drinks will get you to the truth faster than a truth serum from a James Bond film.

Shmanywayheyhey, just thought you guys might want to be informed of this little tid bit...the more you know.

Black Friday

Every Friday is a black friday for me. THANK GOD. I decided that on Americas Black Friday I will start a new tradition. Its going to be everything Black on Black Friday. I'm wearing nothing but Black. I will act as no nonsense like Maya Angelou. I will be as tough and smooth like Maurice Chesnut. I will be as foxy as Nia Long. I will tell it like it is like Oprah. Fuck i will Skype like Oprah too. I will patronize Black grocery stores...Stay away from the produce! Ask Chris Rock he knows. I will go to Black Establishments. Eat the best food imaginable. I will listen to R&B radio. It will be full throttle.Please join me in my efforts to take Black Friday Back.

Thanks!!!!!!!

P.S. i went to google to see what images came up, when i entered the word black. It was a Black gulls big big huge black ass. Aargh! Which reminds me I will also use Blackle on Black Friday... yes, i know it is still Google search engine. Jeez why don't you bite my Black ASS!

A Crawdaddy Thanksgiving

Gobble Gobble gobble gobble Mofo's. No don't gobble crawdaddy dicks...we mean turkeys. Eat so much Thanksgiving dinner that you throw up or fall asleep. We know you want to escape all this pilgrim/indian shit. What better way to escape than getting stuffed and passing the fuck out.

We here at Crawdaddies are thankful for so much. We are thankful for our amazing life. We are thankful that our cohort Leslie K. is having her 30th today. We are thankful for our amazing family and friends. We are thankful for all the old crusts that date youner vags. We are thankful that you blessed reader visits our ridiculous website.

Happy Thanksgiving BITCHES!!!!!!!! Go have Thanksgiving around a ping pong table like Charlie Brown

I Got 99 problems and my small dick is one

Jay Z is the most paid, acclaimed, richest, and fugliest rapper alive. I mean he brings the jams, fa realz! But DAMN, he sure is fugly. Somehow he is pulling the coolest, the most badass chick in the game, Beyonce. Jay Z is 38 and Beyonce is 27. Hmmmm how did this pair come to be? It came to be because Beyonce is still a little hood. Yeah Yeah, you white folks all love Beyonce, but bitch has still got a little Yaki up in her. Do you even know what Yaki is? Shmanyway, Beyonce worked and twirked all that booty onto Jay so much that man was begging to put that $5million Lorraine Schwartz ring on that finga.

Who'd a thunk it? I mean Jay was notorious for all the girlsssssssssss girlsssss girls that he was fucking. I mean let's go through some of the list: Blu Cantrell, Rosario Dawson, Charlie Baltimore, Trina, Carmen Bryan, Shenelle Scott, Amil, Karrine Steffans (yeah you know her ass Supa Head), and some other nameless hoes. You know the girls runnin up after the show with booty pants on, boobs all out, and Rapstar wishes and cookie dreams. These hoes need to just go and bake some Toll House...like me.

But back to the doodoo, Jay needs to have that bank, that street cred, and those skillz because we all know that B wouldn't have given that nigwah no love, no dubs, no hugs, no virgo beef curtains because she HAS to be stuck the FUCK up. Come on now. You guys know. I mean seriously imagine Beyonce Knowles in high school. I can imagine stabbing her in the hand with a pencil right now. Damn, I bet she caused some super ghetto fab bitch to knock her out by the lockers before third period. Mmmm hmmmmm. Amen

I guess to get to the moral of this Beauty and Beast Crawdaddy Saga is GET SOME MONEY, HONEY!!!!

Oh Tommy How big is your Johnny

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Tom Cruise oh boy oh boy. We haven't wanted to tackle this guy for fear that our site would be destroyed in seconds. This crazy mofo gives us the Jeepers Creepers. What this man has done for the word crazy is what Angelina Jolie has done for the term dick sucking lips...it's what alcohol has done for getting panties to drop. Meaning dude is CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY.

Tommy was once the underling. He was the desire of Cougar Mimi Rogers. Poor Mimi, Tommy wouldn't have sexual relations with her. He supposedly wouldn't do her because he wanted to become a monk. HAHAHAHhahahahahhhhhahahah we said hahahaHHAHAHAHAahahahahahaha. What a total douche. Really. Mimi is quoted for saying that 'He thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument, but my instrument needed to be turned so we had to split'. So, hooker left him. We like this tart! Word up Mimi. Then he gets lucky and gets the Aussie. She is one of the Original forehead Queens, Nicole Kidman. WOOWeee I mean her forehead is so big you could watch a movie on that shit. Fuck, serve a dinner on that forehead. Can someone pass the potatoes?

Shmanyway, he spent a long time with this one. They adopted babies. They starred in movies together. I mean do you guys remember Far and Away? God stab my beaver why don't you. Thank god for Kubrick otherwise they'd have a triple dipple of duds. They attended award ceremonies, parties, and scientology meetings. Bet she hated that. Can't get those years back. Eyes Wide Shut indeed.

Oh, then there was the Cruz Cruise. I really hated this couple. Jeez, when I think of those times I feel like my ass is being ate out by Zombies. It's just a horrible feeling.

Then he met Katie Holmes. GROSS! Katie is 17 years younger than Tommy I'm sure he is thrilled with this. He can control control control. She be his little puppet. I mean bitch is already wearing mom jeans.

One of my friends Brandi is holding out hopes that Katie will get back to her senses. I doubt it, YO! HolmeGirl would need Dawson for that. Bitch want get to her senses until that clicker gets taken out of her Cerebral  Cortex but I digress. They spawned Suri Cruise who must be the girl version of Damien. She is cute but looks like she could will you to drop from a balcony. She could force you to buy her a stuffed toy while eating your bbbrrrraaaaainS.

Where will Tommy go next? What Will Tommy Do? WWTD? Fuck we don't know...take down our website, sue a hoe, jump on some couches, only drink pee? WWTD?

We Know and we dont apologize

Well, actually we somewhat apologize. Things have been very chaotic like fucking Brit Brit Spears. We had a wedding. Well, my mistress had a wedding to one of my buddies. It was beautiful!!!!!! Also, we have been so busy fucking these days. This lady is in love and well it's radical. We've also been moving into new apartments, changing cars, getting in wrecks, partying, watching so much Buffy, True Blood, V, and scary movies that our heads are spinning like Linda Blair.

You don't have to forgive us but just start checking back. We will begin the path to righteousness again. Yours Truly-RizLez

Ps. I guess I need to admit that I am a 'junior cougar'. Who knew? Angela. But do I like the term? No. But do I love the benefits? Oh HELLS YEZ!

he's just like every man

Every dude in the world has screwed a girl at work! It's great that this is how David decided to let everyone know about his trists. Seems that an ex employee tried to extort money from Ole Letterman and tell the world about his affairs. HA! That dude got screwed. Looks like that script will not be a Focus Picture. It's in the trash and done. Mr. Letterman had the balls to let all the over 40's who watch his show know that he likes to get his dick wet. He decided that he will beat everyone to the punch and make fun of his own ass.  The only person who hasn't joined in the fun is Letterman's wife Regina and  Conan (the comic with a heart). Conan isn't joining in because he is getting his ding dong tickled too.

Ah nah, we know he isn't. We can wish. Because we wish that we were the hookers doing it. Shmanyways, David was screwing several ladies but the one who got him in trouble is Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie 34 at the time and David 62 were enjoying fucking, hikes, dinner, and finger banging of course. they were both in relationships...double duty. Well hell, David could have quadripple duty. Ole nasty ass. We can only imagine the way he liked to do it and with how many women. Would you bump a comedian? We here at crawdaddies love men who can make us laugh but an all out Comedian...hmm...sex maybe well BAD.

Well, Stephanie was down and even tricked her then boyfriend  (Joe Halderman)to believe that her relationship with David was platonic, strictly non fuckable. She even told Joe that she was ready to have babies. SIKE!! She dumped his ass and then confirmed that she did fuck David. Now, thats some Lifetime TV shit. Joe couldn't take it. The CBS Ex Producer decided to write a script and try to, like Notorious Big , 'get money'.  This brings us to the happenings of today. What will happen next in this story? More pussy more drama. Probably David's wife Regina Lasko turning to Melissa Etheridge for some love. Come on now guys, look at her. We're not trying to be assholes. We just think she might be into some scissory.