Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Got 99 problems and my small dick is one

Jay Z is the most paid, acclaimed, richest, and fugliest rapper alive. I mean he brings the jams, fa realz! But DAMN, he sure is fugly. Somehow he is pulling the coolest, the most badass chick in the game, Beyonce. Jay Z is 38 and Beyonce is 27. Hmmmm how did this pair come to be? It came to be because Beyonce is still a little hood. Yeah Yeah, you white folks all love Beyonce, but bitch has still got a little Yaki up in her. Do you even know what Yaki is? Shmanyway, Beyonce worked and twirked all that booty onto Jay so much that man was begging to put that $5million Lorraine Schwartz ring on that finga.

Who'd a thunk it? I mean Jay was notorious for all the girlsssssssssss girlsssss girls that he was fucking. I mean let's go through some of the list: Blu Cantrell, Rosario Dawson, Charlie Baltimore, Trina, Carmen Bryan, Shenelle Scott, Amil, Karrine Steffans (yeah you know her ass Supa Head), and some other nameless hoes. You know the girls runnin up after the show with booty pants on, boobs all out, and Rapstar wishes and cookie dreams. These hoes need to just go and bake some Toll me.

But back to the doodoo, Jay needs to have that bank, that street cred, and those skillz because we all know that B wouldn't have given that nigwah no love, no dubs, no hugs, no virgo beef curtains because she HAS to be stuck the FUCK up. Come on now. You guys know. I mean seriously imagine Beyonce Knowles in high school. I can imagine stabbing her in the hand with a pencil right now. Damn, I bet she caused some super ghetto fab bitch to knock her out by the lockers before third period. Mmmm hmmmmm. Amen

I guess to get to the moral of this Beauty and Beast Crawdaddy Saga is GET SOME MONEY, HONEY!!!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Oh Tommy How big is your Johnny


Tom Cruise oh boy oh boy. We haven't wanted to tackle this guy for fear that our site would be destroyed in seconds. This crazy mofo gives us the Jeepers Creepers. What this man has done for the word crazy is what Angelina Jolie has done for the term dick sucking's what alcohol has done for getting panties to drop. Meaning dude is CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY.

Tommy was once the underling. He was the desire of Cougar Mimi Rogers. Poor Mimi, Tommy wouldn't have sexual relations with her. He supposedly wouldn't do her because he wanted to become a monk. HAHAHAHhahahahahhhhhahahah we said hahahaHHAHAHAHAahahahahahaha. What a total douche. Really. Mimi is quoted for saying that 'He thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument, but my instrument needed to be turned so we had to split'. So, hooker left him. We like this tart! Word up Mimi. Then he gets lucky and gets the Aussie. She is one of the Original forehead Queens, Nicole Kidman. WOOWeee I mean her forehead is so big you could watch a movie on that shit. Fuck, serve a dinner on that forehead. Can someone pass the potatoes?

Shmanyway, he spent a long time with this one. They adopted babies. They starred in movies together. I mean do you guys remember Far and Away? God stab my beaver why don't you. Thank god for Kubrick otherwise they'd have a triple dipple of duds. They attended award ceremonies, parties, and scientology meetings. Bet she hated that. Can't get those years back. Eyes Wide Shut indeed.

Oh, then there was the Cruz Cruise. I really hated this couple. Jeez, when I think of those times I feel like my ass is being ate out by Zombies. It's just a horrible feeling.

Then he met Katie Holmes. GROSS! Katie is 17 years younger than Tommy I'm sure he is thrilled with this. He can control control control. She be his little puppet. I mean bitch is already wearing mom jeans.

One of my friends Brandi is holding out hopes that Katie will get back to her senses. I doubt it, YO! HolmeGirl would need Dawson for that. Bitch want get to her senses until that clicker gets taken out of her Cerebral  Cortex but I digress. They spawned Suri Cruise who must be the girl version of Damien. She is cute but looks like she could will you to drop from a balcony. She could force you to buy her a stuffed toy while eating your bbbrrrraaaaainS.

Where will Tommy go next? What Will Tommy Do? WWTD? Fuck we don't know...take down our website, sue a hoe, jump on some couches, only drink pee? WWTD?

We Know and we dont apologize

Well, actually we somewhat apologize. Things have been very chaotic like fucking Brit Brit Spears. We had a wedding. Well, my mistress had a wedding to one of my buddies. It was beautiful!!!!!! Also, we have been so busy fucking these days. This lady is in love and well it's radical. We've also been moving into new apartments, changing cars, getting in wrecks, partying, watching so much Buffy, True Blood, V, and scary movies that our heads are spinning like Linda Blair.

You don't have to forgive us but just start checking back. We will begin the path to righteousness again. Yours Truly-RizLez

Ps. I guess I need to admit that I am a 'junior cougar'. Who knew? Angela. But do I like the term? No. But do I love the benefits? Oh HELLS YEZ!