Friday, January 7, 2011

Crawdaddy Alert: Miley Cyrus

Yeah, we know this girl is the future of nasty skanks. She is also going to follow in the footsteps of Hayden Panettiere Pantydrop. This weeks Crawdaddy Alert belongs to Camel Toe Miley Cyrus.

Girl is always showing her just desserts.  I'm so over seeing her chess squares but she wants us to see 'em. She wants the world to see 'em and she wants boys to touch 'em.

Miley is 18. She's a Sag. She gives sag's a bad name. It's a shame because I have love for sag ladies but Miley makes me want to take it back and give it to a Aries. **that's dangerous**

Miley has already dated a Crawdaddy Justin Gaston. I guess we'll just have to wait for her next penny.

Birthday Shmirthday

OMG, it's Screech's birthday. Get geeky with it! Oh and it's also Crawdaddy Nic Cage's bARFday too.
Celebrate by seeing Knowing or Saved by the Bell.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

She found his National Treasure

He is so on his way to being as tired as Woody Allen. I tell you, one day you wake up selling sushi to douchebags and the next you're married to one. Oh, I'm being mean. 
Nicolas Cage isn't a total douche. He was responsible for Valley Girl and that was my jam! Well, really Deborah Foreman was the reason that movie was soooo totally tubular. She is one of my fashion icons besides Blanche Devereaux.

So, Nicolas Cage. What's the haps? Basically, he just wines and dines his waitress. They bump the dance of the two beast and have superman! Yes, Superman. Their child's name- Kal-el. Yes, Kal-el. Hmm, I wonder if this means Cagemeister has super sperm? 

One of my friends had a taste of super sperm before. Not Nic Cage's but super none the less. Anyway, she almost died. She was shaking from orgasmic pleasure. She would talk about this dude for HOURS. She almost lost her mind when this fool broke up with her. I say to the hell with him. 
Bitch needed some balance in her life. She was no Lois Lane.

Shmanways, the age difference between Alice and Nic is a mere 20 something years. Hope it last till he passes.

 Nic is going through money woes. If you want to help out his family, go see one of his shitty movies like Season of the Witch or Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

I will leave you with a clip of sweet sweet Deborah and Nic when he was so punk.


Our pick of the week. Beautifully Shot. Amazing actors at their best. Colin Firth is always refreshing and sly. We love Mr. Darcy. We wish he was our on personal crawdaddy!

Birthday Shmirthday

Happy Burfday Mofo's!!!
I hope you're having sex somewhere like your counterpart trudie Styler.

Tell em old man with 1 tooth

I'm about to strut my ass to the bathroom before I piss myself.

Beers for Cheers

Frasier is ready to party. Everybody get your bongs and beer. Big pockets Kelsey Grammar is shipping out his wife of 13 years for a fresher blonde. Will this leave big pockets empty? Kelsey and Camille were without a prenup. Pay day for Camille. This bitch will get an estimated $50 million after divorce. Woot Woot bitches! 

Don't worry about Kelsey he will be fine. He's still got muchos money and a fresh vag.You wanna here about this new dime piece? 

Well, her name is Katye. Ugh, the spelling is lame. Your mom is so unique. Boo. 
She's a flight attendant for Virgin Atlantic. Virgin anyone? She is 29 and Kelsey is 55. Oh and she's blonde. 

What do they have in common? Crawdaddies' speculates; booty and chillin'. Hopefully, she will make big pockets happy. I'm sure Camille will be happy drinking her white wine spritzer and rolling naked in cash with her hot Spanish pool boy.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I guess the Swan couldn't hold out long. She needed a swift dick. Jake is too slow or just not into girls. Who can blame him? Word on the street is that this boring ass relationship is OVER.

Swan song anyone?

Jake loves a blonde beard

Jake muthafuckin Gyllenhaaboring. I swear he did Donnie Darko and that's all this sad sack has done for me. I think everything he's put out after is a bloody tampon left in the halls of Harvard.

Yes, there is some dirty bitch leaving her used bids all over the building. She's just like Jakey wanting to share her efforts. I don't need it. I don't want it. I don't need Love and Other Drugs. I don't need Brokeback. I have a broke back from my non sleep number bed. I don't need Jarhead or Zodiac, snooze. It's just sleepy time. Where's the warm milk Mrs. Cleaver?

I think all the celebHo's like this couple. Are you guys crazy? I mean this bitch didn't get drizUNK on her 21st birthday.How fucking boring is that? Who cares about this boring ass relationship. It's as stale as the banana nut muffin these bitches pick up at Frothy Monkey. 

I was flipping through one of my trash mags. I think it was Us Weekly and it had a map of their jaunts of third grade romance. Can you imagine these two doing it? It just grosses me out. Yes, I'm being hateful. It just seems bland like your momma's turkey. The shit needs some gravy. **Gravy is not a condiment**

Shmanyways, we were talking about Jakey and Tay Tay. We'll see how long Taylor can handle not gettin it full on from Jake. Swan child needs to hook it back up with John Mayer. Less boring. It fits. A duck face and a man who likes to eat it. That made no sense but whatever.

Jake is 30. Taylor is 21. He's a sag. She's a sag with a vag. Let's see what happens or not. I will try not to ever talk about these two again. Jake has a thing for BLONDE beards. Taylor has a thing for being lame so this might be FOREVER.

Happy New Ho 2011

We are all out of our comas and have taken our hot asses back to work. Don't cry for me Angelina. I'm not kicking it with Zaharra but I drank an entire bottle of Barefoot Moscato Spumante to bring in the New Ho. I am ready for whatever this silly little hooker is ready to blow at me or my lovely nation.

Shit, what will happen to the U S of A this year. I'm ready to pull my protesting boots out of the closet and scream and plead about how Brandi lost to Bristol.
Yeah, I'm pissed about it. I never watched that shitty show either. I only saw clips of that whack shiz but I was captivated. I mean, forehead queen came out ready to dance. I give B props. I never thought she had it in her. Remember when she was all Moesha and shit and couldn't dance. I thought Brandi was sure to follow Whitney Houston's lead of a 'can't dance sista'. 

That's alright too. You know every sista can't dance just like every adult star doesn't take it up the butt...most of them do.

Yeah, so New Ho. She's here. I watched the ball drop from my digital converter basic local antenna tv type shit. My mom hasn't paid me my allowance in like twenty years. I can't get that new shit they have now'a days. You know cable. 

Well, Dick Clark still has his Rockin Eve bash. Oh, It's so not Rockin or a bash. Poor Dick needs some Viagra. He is limp so limp. The man can't speak. I swear I had to check with my man to see if he wasn't a puppet. He looked like old cat from the Muppet's. I'm sure he was asking the camera man 'where's Kermit'. Really, I'm sure he did. So many medications. Dick was so high!!!!! Ridin' the high. It's a wonder why  he was so limp being so high. Hmmm. I will wonder about this for all of 2011.

Anyway, Happy 2011 to all of you. I hope that it's worth it.