Christmas Magic

This is just soooooooooo funny. Infact, my friend Leslie and I look at this video throughout the year just to pee our pants and remember what Christmas is all about! xo

Older men bring home tons of bunnies

Larry likes young fannies

Larry King, 78,  has a very distinguished reputation. Known in the biz as one of the best interviewers around. Larry interviewed tranny Tyra Banks. BOOOOOOORING! Larry has interviewed over 40,000 people since his career started in 1950. Larry likes to get to the root of an interview.

Back in the day, he would 'smoke em if he had em' a until that prick had to get a bypass surgery in the 80's. just so you know, having a bypass surgery and surviving it are the Academy Awards for a Crawdaddy. I mean a near death experience is  a modern day miracle. Larry knows about modern day miracles. The man has been around since the 30's. I'm so sure he has some severe scrotum drop.

Larry's wife Shawn Southwick-King is 48. She is Larry's seventh wife. WHAAAAT? this motherfucker has been married seven times. She is some singer, model, and other claims to fame that none of us mofo's know about. Supposedly, she was going to sing at Michael Jackson's tribute with Jermaine Jackson. Thank gawd that shit didn't go down.

Larry and Shawn have two kiddies and seem to be making it work. Maybe it's because allegedly this hooker is popping pills and drinking Peach Schnapps all day. we here at Crawdaddies support love in all its forms. Congrats to Larry.  XOXO











Last but not least Oprah. Tyra Banks only wishes.

Geezers using tweezers

Ahh, shucks!!! Is this true? Could this be? Well, yes dear reader it is. I spoke with a gentlemen at the bar yesterday. I needed to release some of that thankfulness. I figured the best way I could, would be to not  be thankful while downing a six pack. HahahahahahHAHAHa you damn ALCHI. Anyway, I choked up a friendly conversation with this old ass man about dating. He is recently divorced from his third wife. He is on the market.  I asked him about his love life. He was siked to give me all sorts of tawdry details.

Here's the thing, what sent me all to the mortuary was that he told me some steps to his mac appeal. One of those steps ladies and peens was to pluck his gray pubes. So, bizarro right? I know. It seriously made me a zombie. The gent was really kind in relaying this information to me. I guess drinks will get you to the truth faster than a truth serum from a James Bond film.

Shmanywayheyhey, just thought you guys might want to be informed of this little tid bit...the more you know.

Black Friday

Every Friday is a black friday for me. THANK GOD. I decided that on Americas Black Friday I will start a new tradition. Its going to be everything Black on Black Friday. I'm wearing nothing but Black. I will act as no nonsense like Maya Angelou. I will be as tough and smooth like Maurice Chesnut. I will be as foxy as Nia Long. I will tell it like it is like Oprah. Fuck i will Skype like Oprah too. I will patronize Black grocery stores...Stay away from the produce! Ask Chris Rock he knows. I will go to Black Establishments. Eat the best food imaginable. I will listen to R&B radio. It will be full throttle.Please join me in my efforts to take Black Friday Back.

Thanks!!!!!!!

P.S. i went to google to see what images came up, when i entered the word black. It was a Black gulls big big huge black ass. Aargh! Which reminds me I will also use Blackle on Black Friday... yes, i know it is still Google search engine. Jeez why don't you bite my Black ASS!

A Crawdaddy Thanksgiving

Gobble Gobble gobble gobble Mofo's. No don't gobble crawdaddy dicks...we mean turkeys. Eat so much Thanksgiving dinner that you throw up or fall asleep. We know you want to escape all this pilgrim/indian shit. What better way to escape than getting stuffed and passing the fuck out.

We here at Crawdaddies are thankful for so much. We are thankful for our amazing life. We are thankful that our cohort Leslie K. is having her 30th today. We are thankful for our amazing family and friends. We are thankful for all the old crusts that date youner vags. We are thankful that you blessed reader visits our ridiculous website.

Happy Thanksgiving BITCHES!!!!!!!! Go have Thanksgiving around a ping pong table like Charlie Brown

I Got 99 problems and my small dick is one

Jay Z is the most paid, acclaimed, richest, and fugliest rapper alive. I mean he brings the jams, fa realz! But DAMN, he sure is fugly. Somehow he is pulling the coolest, the most badass chick in the game, Beyonce. Jay Z is 38 and Beyonce is 27. Hmmmm how did this pair come to be? It came to be because Beyonce is still a little hood. Yeah Yeah, you white folks all love Beyonce, but bitch has still got a little Yaki up in her. Do you even know what Yaki is? Shmanyway, Beyonce worked and twirked all that booty onto Jay so much that man was begging to put that $5million Lorraine Schwartz ring on that finga.

Who'd a thunk it? I mean Jay was notorious for all the girlsssssssssss girlsssss girls that he was fucking. I mean let's go through some of the list: Blu Cantrell, Rosario Dawson, Charlie Baltimore, Trina, Carmen Bryan, Shenelle Scott, Amil, Karrine Steffans (yeah you know her ass Supa Head), and some other nameless hoes. You know the girls runnin up after the show with booty pants on, boobs all out, and Rapstar wishes and cookie dreams. These hoes need to just go and bake some Toll House...like me.

But back to the doodoo, Jay needs to have that bank, that street cred, and those skillz because we all know that B wouldn't have given that nigwah no love, no dubs, no hugs, no virgo beef curtains because she HAS to be stuck the FUCK up. Come on now. You guys know. I mean seriously imagine Beyonce Knowles in high school. I can imagine stabbing her in the hand with a pencil right now. Damn, I bet she caused some super ghetto fab bitch to knock her out by the lockers before third period. Mmmm hmmmmm. Amen

I guess to get to the moral of this Beauty and Beast Crawdaddy Saga is GET SOME MONEY, HONEY!!!!

Oh Tommy How big is your Johnny

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Tom Cruise oh boy oh boy. We haven't wanted to tackle this guy for fear that our site would be destroyed in seconds. This crazy mofo gives us the Jeepers Creepers. What this man has done for the word crazy is what Angelina Jolie has done for the term dick sucking lips...it's what alcohol has done for getting panties to drop. Meaning dude is CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYY.

Tommy was once the underling. He was the desire of Cougar Mimi Rogers. Poor Mimi, Tommy wouldn't have sexual relations with her. He supposedly wouldn't do her because he wanted to become a monk. HAHAHAHhahahahahhhhhahahah we said hahahaHHAHAHAHAahahahahahaha. What a total douche. Really. Mimi is quoted for saying that 'He thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument, but my instrument needed to be turned so we had to split'. So, hooker left him. We like this tart! Word up Mimi. Then he gets lucky and gets the Aussie. She is one of the Original forehead Queens, Nicole Kidman. WOOWeee I mean her forehead is so big you could watch a movie on that shit. Fuck, serve a dinner on that forehead. Can someone pass the potatoes?

Shmanyway, he spent a long time with this one. They adopted babies. They starred in movies together. I mean do you guys remember Far and Away? God stab my beaver why don't you. Thank god for Kubrick otherwise they'd have a triple dipple of duds. They attended award ceremonies, parties, and scientology meetings. Bet she hated that. Can't get those years back. Eyes Wide Shut indeed.

Oh, then there was the Cruz Cruise. I really hated this couple. Jeez, when I think of those times I feel like my ass is being ate out by Zombies. It's just a horrible feeling.

Then he met Katie Holmes. GROSS! Katie is 17 years younger than Tommy I'm sure he is thrilled with this. He can control control control. She be his little puppet. I mean bitch is already wearing mom jeans.

One of my friends Brandi is holding out hopes that Katie will get back to her senses. I doubt it, YO! HolmeGirl would need Dawson for that. Bitch want get to her senses until that clicker gets taken out of her Cerebral  Cortex but I digress. They spawned Suri Cruise who must be the girl version of Damien. She is cute but looks like she could will you to drop from a balcony. She could force you to buy her a stuffed toy while eating your bbbrrrraaaaainS.

Where will Tommy go next? What Will Tommy Do? WWTD? Fuck we don't know...take down our website, sue a hoe, jump on some couches, only drink pee? WWTD?

We Know and we dont apologize

Well, actually we somewhat apologize. Things have been very chaotic like fucking Brit Brit Spears. We had a wedding. Well, my mistress had a wedding to one of my buddies. It was beautiful!!!!!! Also, we have been so busy fucking these days. This lady is in love and well it's radical. We've also been moving into new apartments, changing cars, getting in wrecks, partying, watching so much Buffy, True Blood, V, and scary movies that our heads are spinning like Linda Blair.

You don't have to forgive us but just start checking back. We will begin the path to righteousness again. Yours Truly-RizLez

Ps. I guess I need to admit that I am a 'junior cougar'. Who knew? Angela. But do I like the term? No. But do I love the benefits? Oh HELLS YEZ!

he's just like every man

Every dude in the world has screwed a girl at work! It's great that this is how David decided to let everyone know about his trists. Seems that an ex employee tried to extort money from Ole Letterman and tell the world about his affairs. HA! That dude got screwed. Looks like that script will not be a Focus Picture. It's in the trash and done. Mr. Letterman had the balls to let all the over 40's who watch his show know that he likes to get his dick wet. He decided that he will beat everyone to the punch and make fun of his own ass.  The only person who hasn't joined in the fun is Letterman's wife Regina and  Conan (the comic with a heart). Conan isn't joining in because he is getting his ding dong tickled too.

Ah nah, we know he isn't. We can wish. Because we wish that we were the hookers doing it. Shmanyways, David was screwing several ladies but the one who got him in trouble is Stephanie Birkitt. Stephanie 34 at the time and David 62 were enjoying fucking, hikes, dinner, and finger banging of course. they were both in relationships...double duty. Well hell, David could have quadripple duty. Ole nasty ass. We can only imagine the way he liked to do it and with how many women. Would you bump a comedian? We here at crawdaddies love men who can make us laugh but an all out Comedian...hmm...sex maybe well BAD.

Well, Stephanie was down and even tricked her then boyfriend  (Joe Halderman)to believe that her relationship with David was platonic, strictly non fuckable. She even told Joe that she was ready to have babies. SIKE!! She dumped his ass and then confirmed that she did fuck David. Now, thats some Lifetime TV shit. Joe couldn't take it. The CBS Ex Producer decided to write a script and try to, like Notorious Big , 'get money'.  This brings us to the happenings of today. What will happen next in this story? More pussy more drama. Probably David's wife Regina Lasko turning to Melissa Etheridge for some love. Come on now guys, look at her. We're not trying to be assholes. We just think she might be into some scissory.

Spitzer put IT in the Kisser

Damn, this gemini is going to ruin it for all us good geminis. Seriously, there are good Gems. Eliot Spitzer born June 10, 1959. FUCK! He was born one day earlier than me. Bastard! Anyway, this man wasn't getting his dicked licked right by his wife. Poor lady. Silda Wall (his wife) probably didn't think she needed to blow him anymore. She thought she was done. Nope! Bitch you gotta suck the dick. Always have a hold of it. Never let it go. As soon as you stop sucking it...some other hooker with less class than you will take hold of it and get to it. They will grad it and wash it in their mouth like its laundry, then ring it out to dry. MMM MMM smells Downy Fresh. 
Hahahaha. No, I feel sorry for the next candidate for the Good Wife. Heehehehe. Forgive the tangent. Shmanyways, he was in need so he through out some green and got his peen licked. PERIOD!!!!!


Eliot Spitzer the Governor of New York, until bitch had to resign because he got caught with his dirty laundry, fell prey to the pussy. Will you dudes ever learn? I mean how many times does this have to happen? I bet he is still doing something dirty. Spitzer got caught spending two hours with Ashley Rae Maika DiPietroz (wannabee singer all around prostitute whore). This girl must have good game. It's $1,000.00 an hour to hang with this open to all beef curtain. Spitzer belonged to some prostitution service named Emperor Club VIP. He did it with over 8 different women. That's alot of MONEY! His bank reported his dealings because they noticed large quantities of money being transferred. STUPID. VERY STUPID.


Poor Ashley, (known to the recording industry as Ashley Dupre') what is she going to do for money? This 24 year old whore is going to do some dating  reality show.  Of course! That's it ladies. Now, we know how to make our money. 
1. Get a bogus last name.
2. Join an escort service. BE A WHORE.
3. Scandal ie. rapper, politician, sports figure
4. Get caught
5. Reality TV SHOW= MONEY MONEY MONEY

So, scratch that not poor ashley not poor anyone. All of the players in this story are cliche and boring. We are truly sorry we even PAID (hehehe) it this much attention.











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Maybe we made it happen, captain

Aww damn, Roman. They are trying to get yo ass. Extradite on dat ass. What is this mofo going to do? Man he needs some quaaludes to deal. Oh well, we wonder if the award this brother was about to receive was worth this. Someone is going to have their ding dong schling schlong sucked on up if they enter those prison walls...Soooo different from the walls of a vag.

Crawdaddies fall prey to Panettiere

Okay, this is more about Hayden Panettiere. She is the queen of dating Crawdaddies. I mean this bitch is 20 and is only fucking Crawdaddies. She thinks she is hot hot stuff. No, Donna Summer you are not! When we look at her, we think she must smell like Elizabeth Arden Red Door and fragranced Playtex Tampons.

Poor poor Milo. He fell prey. I think she is where Crawdaddies go to die. This bitch is a Crawdad catcher. She goes down to the watering hole. Sucks up all the Crawdads with her beef curtains. She heads back home and then plays with one Crawdaddy for awhile, while keeping the others locked up in her Pussy lab until she's ready to fuck them then bite their heads off. She's our modern day Black Widow. Fuck that, WHITE Widow! Shmanyways, Milo Ventimiglia, 31, who plays Peter Pertelli on Heroes was dumped by the WHITE Widow. ALERT ALERT she is now trying to get the dude kicked off the show. Why? Because she is a douche. Litte Ms. White Bitch Widow needed to go out every night and show her snatch to somebody. However, Milo is not down with the scene. So, what happens. WHITE Widow gets pissed and then goes into her Pussy lad for some other Crawdad.

The Crawdad she picked... fucking Harry Morton. Lindsay Blowhan's old dick. Seriously? Wow. Who are these bitches? Harry Morton, 28, heir to Hard Rock Chain, spilled out of the Pussy lab to become sponsor to food, coke, and fun. Boooooring. Then she dumped his ass for we roll our eyes Stephen Colleti. Who is he? Some kid who was on that Reality Show Laguna Beach. We know. We know. You hate us. That's all we're going to say about his ass. Who cares? You do. Sorry, we just mentioned his ass because her Pussy Lab is so full who knows whats going to fall out next. We are interested. We figured you might be as well.

We feel sorry for all the Crawdaddies that cross this bitches path. She is a true Crawdaddy Catcher. Here's to you, Hayden! Can't wait to see your next unsuspecting Crawdaddy.

Yeah we IS da WORST

We know. We know. We haven't updated this shit in awhile. It's been crazy and there are so many Crawdaddies to discuss. Here's the deal Pussays and Diiiiiiiiicks,

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Local Crawdaddies

Oh, you want to be in the know? Well, here it is mofo's. Our first installment of a Local Crawdaddy. His name is Joe McMahan. He's an amazing musician, dad, and a major heartthrob. Women swoon to be in his company including yours truly. However, this hunk of burnin love has been seen around town with youngin Laura Lester. Is something brewing between this 49 and 23 year old? We think so. It looks like Laura (puppeteer and sex kitten)has been going down to the watering hole! Good luck guys.

Ps. If you spot a local crawdaddy and his lady send us there pic!!!!

FUCKING HEINOUS CRAWDAD

Ok, this guy is not a joke and a complete bastard! Fashion Designer Anand Jon Alexander is sentenced to 59 years to life in prison for the assault and rape of several women. This needy assmunch lured women to LA for a so called modeling career. Alexander was convicted of 14 counts of assault plus forcible rape.

We honestly don't know what to say about this. It's all kinds of messed up. Seriously, why? You poor unfortunate soul. We hope these brave women will be able to move past this and we hope you get raped in jail and ask for forgiveness.

Vicarious Crawdaddy

Billy Ray Cyrus you are such a vicarious crawdaddy. You love your daughter soooooo much. Yet, you respect the father daughter relationship. So what can you do? You live vicariously through your daughters romances. I mean we know you cross the line; not wanting Miley to cut her hair or change her teeth. Also, why do you care so much about Miley's teeth? Mmm mmm.

Now, some of you may think we are wrong for this but riddle me this Batman. Why did Crawdaddy think it was ok for Miley to dance on a pole at the Teen Choice Awards? Bitch is still underage. On a side note, why is Miley such a slut? We think she has taken lessons from Kate 'Herpes' Hudson. Betcha that Miley will be visiting the local clinic real soon. I mean she already is sang about in songs by Drake and Lil Wayne. Damn and thats some shit. Singin about Miley's fug face. But shmanyways, now we're just being mean.

This is about Billy Ray Cyrus. None to some backwoods bitches as 'Get N Dem Pants Cyrus',you nasty ass hoes. Well, what you may not know is that Billy Ray is a secret hoe. I mean he was married two times but supposedly was still getting some ping pang. He is also a baby's daddy.

He is married to Tish Finley. They have three children including Miley. He also has another kid named Cody. He is the same age as Miley but mom is unknown to us assholes. Also, he has two adopted children. Adoptive children are the best!!!!!!! Seriously, we recommend it. I mean argh sooooo much better than Miley.

Oh well our Achy Breaky heart can't talk about this Vicarious Crawdaddy anymore. We all know the truth, ruth. The truth is, he cant have it so he will imagine it. We kid. Just the hardy ha ha ha's. Can't you take a damn joke. Nah, we're serious.

Monday Blues

Happy Monday Mofo's! It's early and we wish we could've woken up with a dick and a sausage biscuit. Mercury will be going into retrograde this month. WARNING WARNING WARNING. Be extra cautious of your words. Try to remain calm...In other news of the apocalpyse, Jenna Bush (daughter of George 'we want him dead' Bush) will be a news coorespondent for the White House for the Today Show. Gross.

Summer is dead people. Get your fall on.

Oh well, we will be getting up on the Crawdaddy updates later this afternoon. Until then, go back to bed.

We LUV Agent Crawdaddies

Oh agent Dale Cooper, nothing compares to you except maybe Bill Compton but that's it.

You are my absolute favorite. I adore you and ever since I was in 8th grade, you have set the standards for my love life.

Agent Dale Cooper 30, had intimate bonds with several young women: Audrey Horne, 18 (who is by far the hottest chick ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Annie Blackburn, 20 and Caroline Earle (age unknown yet we know is young from a retelling of the story to Audrey).

Agent Dale Cooper is dreamy, smart, magical, sex on stick, a good dresser minus the plaid shirts of Second Season and most of all he is a knight. Rescue me Coop!

Dj Crawdaddy

Well hell, woke up from a night of Djing for MJ's birthday last night to find out that DJ AM died. This is crazy, seriously. This is some Final Destination type shit, like you can't escape death. This is not to make light of his death. It's just really bananas.

DJ AM's friends were worried about him after not hearing from him for a couple of days. They went to check on him and were not able to get him to answer the door. Authorities were called. The police arrived and knocked down the door. DJ AM was found dead in his apartment at age 36, in sweat pants and no shirt. Supposedly, there was a crack pipe and other drug paraphernalia found on the scene.

Honestly, I do feel sorry for his friends and family. It must be hard to wrap your head around the fact that he survived something almost fated, to pass on a year later.

I hope this DJ Crawdaddy is playing tunes in the sky.

P.S. I hope Blowhan wont go on some dick sucking coke filled rager due to her missing her friend or maybe I do.

Here are some picks of this Crawdaddy with some of his honies.

Do You Remember the Times

Oh, we miss the days of ole Jackie Boy and Lara Flynn Boyle. It was ripe with sex, a side eye, a turned up nose, the need to give Lara a cheeseburger and sew her asshole together. We were big fans of this combination. Actually we hoped this would last for a little while longer.

We've always liked Donna Hayward. As far as Jack is concerned. He's a fierce actor and gets major Cho Cho. I mean really lets go through some of this man's box travels:

Candice Bergen

Karen Mayo
Jessica Lange

Michelle Phillips

Bebe Buell

Margaret Trudeau

Faye Dunway (who he actually screwed on set)

Suze Randall

Anjelica Huston (the longest relationship but got fucked bc he fucked and got someone preggers)

and my friend Amanda...well in her dreams. One of my girlfriends a long time ago had a sex fantasy of Jack when he looked like One Flew Over the Poon's Nest.

Shmanyways, life imitates art mofo's and he's even a Crawdaddy in the movies. In Something's Gotta Give, Jack dates a younger woman BUT falls for her mom. He's a true player in and out of celluloid. Well, we hope that Jack can bring about another new young twat to a Lakers Game. Until then we will think fondly of the times we thought Lara and Jack would always and forever do it from the back.

G's up Hoe's Down.